Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
