I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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