After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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