How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
