i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
