I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
