If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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