i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I love having hate sex.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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