come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
