tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
