You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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