just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
