The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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