just survived the first fart of the relationship.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
