Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
