i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
