i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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