i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
