I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
