You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I've blown a few things in my day
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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