You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
