I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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