Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Lo siento on account of my penis...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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