I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
