dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
