Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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