My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
