We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
