You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
They have beer where we have blood.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
