She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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