I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
