I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize