We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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