Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize