i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
