dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
