guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
