I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
