We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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