Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
ugly people sure do ruin things
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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