Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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