I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize