ya dads aren't the best wingmen
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
