Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
