I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
