Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
