put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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