I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize