What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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