Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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