my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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