How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
