I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
