Moan for me like Helen Keller
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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