He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize