Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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