I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
