I wish my penis had an off switch
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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